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Love and Sex and Friendship

Let's face it - if you're a gay man it's pretty easy to get laid.  Now you might not always be able to get off with the guy of your dreams, but if you have "flexible" standards and just want to scratch the itch, for most of us it isn't that difficult to do. You tell straight guys how easy it is to get casual sex and they often get envious.

And fucking is fun - it's a hell of a lot of fun, or we wouldn't spend so much time looking for it and doing it when we can. And fun is a good thing to have in life, no doubt about it. There are those times when you hook up with a complete stranger and you both just click perfectly, and it feels like magic. It's exciting, it's hot and it leaves you with a taste for more. And there are the times when you hook up with a stranger and it's just ok. But even "just ok" sex can still be worth it.

It can get to be a bit of a treadmill though, with pressure on us to look good, have "the right" body, look a certain way, wear certain clothes and so on - these can all be barriers. And then there is the constant fear of rejection. It can really hurt when some guy turns you down purely based on your looks. The gay sexual world can be a brutal place, make no mistake.

Some guys find the gay world too focused on sex though, and maybe they have a point. One of the easiest things to do is to mistake great sex for love, and then get disappointed as reality sinks in. Just because you have fantastic hot sex doesn't mean you are going to be right for each other as lovers. And for most guys in long-term relationships, it's not the sex that keeps them together, it's the love.

 With all the attention given to looking good, or to finding someone to get off with in mainstrream gay life, is there maybe something deeper we're missing out on, or can you happily manage all three of these?

If you're life suddenly gets all crappy, ringing up the last guy you fucked with for comfort probably won't help much, and that's why we need our friends.

Gay men have a talent for friendship. A lot of us have to build our own new family when we come out, and friends take on that role. Knowing a friend over time, over decades, adds a real richness and texture to your life. You have shared memories, go through ups and downs, can tease each other about all sorts of things, from bad haircuts to bad boyfriends. And a real friend is there for you when times get rough, and that will happen to everyone at some stage.

Lovers tend to come and go for some of us, but friends continue for life.

Fuck-buddies are a half-way house for some of us. It can be really nice to have a guy you meet regularly for sex, no big emotional committment, just fun together. Over time you get to know each other's body and how he reacts, and that in itself can be a real source of joy. And it might be the basis for love, or it might just be the basis for really good sex.

It does seem harder for gay guys to meet a life-partner, a lover, whatever you want to call him. The world just isn't geared up to make it easy for us to meet and fall in love and settle down the way it is for straights, and all the easy sex can be a distraction from love.

But it's not impossible. There are lots of guys happily living with the man they love, and planning to spend the rest of their lives doing just that. For two guys love takes just as much effort as it does for a straight couple. It's not all walks on the beach and roses and passionate love-making. Someone has to take out the rubbish, pay the bills, fix the leaking tap, and put up with the in-laws.

The chances to find a partner for life do seem better now that we are able to be open about who we, but there are no guarantees in life, and no guarantee that even if you do meet a fantastic guy and fall for each other that you'll still be together in 10 years time. But that's life.

There isn't one way of being gay that suits everyone, just like there isn't only one way to be straight, so we've got to figure it out as we go along and make the most of it. But we do have options, we have choices and opportunities today that would have seemed amazing just a few decades ago, so get out there and enjoy it.

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